The US Navy has announced its newest hire in an effort to completely destroy their brand: former Bud Light Vice President, Alissa Heinerscheid.
“Alissa has a proven track record of completely killing a brand, and we believe she can do the same for the US Navy,” said Admiral John Richardson in a press conference. “We want people to see the Navy and immediately think, ‘Ew, gross.'”
This follows the Navy’s surprise move to promote a drag queen to Real Admiral:
Heinerscheid, who famously made Bud Light the King of Queers, says she’s excited for the new challenge. “I’ve always believed that the key to destroying a brand is to make it as unappealing as possible,” she said. “I can’t wait to bring that philosophy to the US Navy.”
Her first order of business? Replacing the Navy’s iconic blue and gold uniforms with a neon green and pink tie-dye pattern, complete with sequins and glitter. “We want our sailors to really stand out,” Robertson explained. “If you’re going to destroy a brand, you have to do it with style.”
Robertson also plans to launch a new marketing campaign for the Navy, featuring slogans like “Join the Navy: Because Life is Too Short to Live” and “The Navy: Where Your Dreams Go to Die.”
Critics of the move have called it “reckless” and “irresponsible,” but Robertson is undeterred. “I believe in my abilities to completely ruin this brand,” she said. “And honestly, with the way things are going, it won’t be that hard.”