KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—The Taliban has vowed to tackle climate change as part of the terror group’s attempt to rebrand itself and modernize. A spokesman for the group says it will combat the existential threat of climate change by “killing all their dissenters who breathe” thus reducing the net CO2 output of the country.

Abdul Qahar Balkhi, a member of the Taliban’s Cultural Commission, says the Islamists want to play a role on the global stage.

He told Newsweek: “We hope not only to be recognized by regional countries but the entire world at large as the legitimate representative government of the people of Afghanistan who have gained their right of self-determination by killing anyone who disagrees.” 

The declaration has sent thrills through Western elite circles who are excited by the plan.

“This is just the type of bold strategy we need in the United States,” US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) said. “I tried to get people to limit their carbon footprint by holding their breath 4 hours a day. But just killing them is much better.”

Balkhi said that dissenters who are not breathing will be left alone.

Climate change expert Greta Thunberg says the Taliban plan will lower climate change enough to save the planet.

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