Elon Musk needs to stop doing amazing things because it’s making us gender studies triple-doctorates feel worthless
As three esteemed gender studies triple-doctorates, we feel it is our duty to speak out against the incredible accomplishments of...
Science
FLASH FLOOD WARNING in Several U.S. Cities Due to Liberal Tears Following Trump Victory
(New York, NY) — The National Weather Service has issued an urgent flash flood warning as record-breaking liberal tears inundate...
BREAKING: Amelia Earhart emerges from Bermuda Triangle to accuse Trump of groping her before fatal flight
BERMUDA TRIANGLE—In a shocking twist of historical and political proportions, aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart has emerged from the Bermuda Triangle...
BREAKING: Florida chooses possible starvation over vegan meats as Hurricane Milton approaches
Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 5 hurricane Milton. The ones that are...
AOC: ‘These poor pumpkins have been drained of their spice by illegal poachers; this needs to stop!’
I don't know who needs to hear it, but pumpkin spice poaching is not okay. I just visited a field...
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a...
First biological cheetah who identifies as a man set to take gold for Lichtenstein at the Paris Olympics
LICHTENSTEIN—The citizens of this small alpine country in the middle of Europe are abuzz as they are set to take...
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire...
EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce...
