WASHINGTON DC—Unable to dispute or even deny Joe Biden‘s ties with China and Ukraine, Democratic strategists explained “the parties switched” when the crimes were committed.
“Of course Hunter Biden sold his father’s influence for millions of dollars while he was Vice President,” said campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “But he was a Republican during those transactions. Republicans are to blame!”
Officials claim on the days the deals were made, Democrats were actually Republicans and Republicans were actually Democrats. When the deals were complete, Democrats were Democrats again and, “Republicans returned to their racist roots.”
O’Malley Dillon was referring to the version of American history that only Democrats are smart enough to know but don’t have to explain.
“Just like when the Republicans found the Confederacy, created the Ku Klux Klan and opposed Civil Rights for a century, they did it as Democrats. Now they’re up to their old hi-jinks again,” she told reporters. “Democrats are always on the right side of history, even when they’re actually pretending to be Republicans.”
The campaign manager continued to clarify her candidate’s flawless past as a Democrat. “When Joe Biden sexually assaulted Tara Reade in 1993, he was a Republican that day, which is exactly why we need to vote out Donald Trump!”
Filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza disputed this version of history on Twitter but was instantly proven wrong when called a “typical white-supremacist Republican” by hundreds of xi/xirs online.