SAN OAK, CA—Months after forest fires destroyed thousands of acres of woodland, a four-legged arsonist, Chippy Nutfield, has been arrested. Chippy’s Twitter feed revealed he is a climbing enthusiast, vegan, and a Squirrel Lives Matter activist.
Nutfield, who says he’s not affiliated with the Korean flamethrower squirrels, was arrested following a five hour stand-off with a dozen FBI agents surrounding his maple tree. The suspect resisted arrest, remaining burrowed in his nook and threw nut shells at the agents. Nutfield was apprehended at dusk when he left his nest in search of buried acorns.
The suspected arsonist is an active SLM member. The group believes squirrels are disproportionately killed by hunters. They are responsible for forest fires across the United States.
The latest round of fires started following the death of squirrel Bucky McSqueak. McSqueak ran into the road with stolen nuts and was hit by a car. Autopsy reports revealed McSqueak was inhaling burnt marshmallows and had walnut in his system. Ranger reports detail his long history of darting across seldom traveled roads exactly when a car passes by.
Chippy Nutfield allegedly burned down his own forest in protest.
No arrests have been made in connection to other forest fires that burned nationwide. Those fires were for justice.
Chippy pled not guilty by reason of being nuts.