NEW YORK—New York Attorney General Letitia James announced today that once Trump leaves office, she’ll be launching a criminal investigation against Trump for making America too great.
“We would’ve been fine with a little greatness,” James said in a statement. “But Trump made America way too great and he’s making states like New York look bad. From carelessly giving Americans back more of their own money to recklessly bringing the Middle East to the brink of peace – we won’t tolerate this kind of irresponsible behavior anymore. Once Trump leaves office on January 20, he’ll be charged with making America too great in the first degree, which carries a life sentence in a New York nursing home.”
Many approved of her decision. “This is a great day for America,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said. “Finally, Trump is paying for his crimes against humanity by making America great again. I’m really gratified to hear this. Although maybe the AG should go a bit further with her sentence by forcing Trump to listen to Hillary Clinton screech for the next four years. That ought to do the job. But whatever she ends up deciding is fine with me.”
Others expressed their dismay at the news. “This is absurd,” constitutional lawyer and radio host Mark Levin said on his show. “Where does it say in the Constitution that it’s illegal to make America great again? Is it in any federal codes or statutes? Of course it isn’t. If I was in her position, I’d actually give him a life sentence in the White House without the possibility of parole.”
Andrew Cuomo reportedly told Trump’s lawyer in a private phone call that if Trump’s given a life sentence in a New York nursing home, he’s going to force Trump to watch Chris Cuomo’s show on CNN 24/7. If that doesn’t work, he’ll force him to watch Don Lemon’s show instead. Whichever drives him insane first.