Judge Hugh Jassole of the 7th Circuit Court has ruled that asking government employees to account for their weekly activities violates the U.S. Constitution. The pronouncement, delivered with the enthusiasm of a man reading a phone book, has cemented what many suspected: the judiciary’s capacity for self-parody remains intact.

“The Constitution, as I interpret it, protects against undue accountability,” Jassole intoned, his voice barely rising above a monotone as he adjusted a robe that seemed to double as a bath towel. “Requiring public servants to detail their accomplishments—however insignificant—constitutes an affront to the Eighth Amendment. It’s simply too much bother.”

The ruling traces back to one Dave Jenkins, a Boise accountant with an unhealthy obsession for transparency, who demanded a log of his local DMV’s weekly doings via a Freedom of Information Act request. The response—a curt “we existed, mostly”—prompted Jenkins to sue, only for Jassole to intervene with a decision that effectively canonizes inertia. “The people have no standing to pry into the sacred art of government leisure,” Jassole noted, gesturing vaguely at a desk piled with untouched briefs.

Public reaction, as filtered through X, was predictably muted yet pointed. “Jassole’s just made it official: my taxes fund vibes, not results,” posted one user.

The political class responded with their usual coherence. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) issued a press release praising “a bold step toward workplace serenity,” promptly undermined by a typo-riddled funding proposal. Representative Thomas Massie (R-KY) decried it as “peak swamp,” though his staff declined to confirm what he’d done that week either.

Practical implications are, unsurprisingly, minimal yet absurd. IRS officials now deflect inquiries with a shrug and a photocopied Jassole ruling. The Defense Department cited “national security” when asked about its week, though sources suggest it involved a PowerPoint and stale bagels. A postal worker, when pressed, replied, “Jassole says I don’t have to tell you squat,” and resumed staring into the middle distance.

About Author