WASHINGTON, D.C.– President Joe Biden promised to solve all the problems caused by whoever’s president, marking the first year of his presidency. Reporters attending the President’s televised press conference issued a unified sigh of relief to hear Biden explain how he would completely solve the five problems threatening our country’s existence and the stuff tearing us all apart, if only he was in office.
He began by addressing unemployment saying, “I will be signing a few executive orders this week. My first, I call the ‘Good Neighbor’ plan. All homeowners will hire a neighbor to clean their house. This will create jobs on every street, in every community and add one trillion dollars to the GNP.” Some brash Republicans are calling this a ‘Pyramid Scheme”.
Next, he addressed climate change.
“I would order the Department of Weather and Outdoor Stuff to move seven degrees from below the boiling point of water, to above. I have it on good authority, specifically Bill Nye, that this will give us 23 more years before we all die from extreme cold or heat depending on what Al Gore thinks.”
The President took a moment to throw a chalk board eraser at the head of Fox reporter, Peter Doocy for chewing gum, then addressed the Covid epidemic.
“I would instruct the Department of Sickness and Healing to purchase only the COVID tests that show a negative result. This will drastically slow down the spread of the virus. Also, we will be renaming cemeteries , to nursing homes which will greatly reduce the number of deaths.”
On the national debt he responded. “I know many of you are a little younger than me and don’t remember when the U.S. was on the gold standard and everyone was rich and happy. If I become president would direct the U.S. Treasury to put the United States on the Oak Leaf Standard. This will assure a steady supply of dollars that can be spent at the store or used in those tree leaf books kids like to make so much. It is a little to late for this year but at the end of next September or October, we will eliminate the national debt and solve poverty in one good colorful fall.
“Finally, to solve the long lines at the border, we will move the border south by purchasing Mexico. The U.S. is willing to pay as much as 7, maybe even 8 Oak leaves per Mexican acre, a very fair price. In exchange, we will purchase all the Mary Jane they can produce. In order to pacify discontent in Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras we will be making them the next three states and will get them ready for the 2022 elections. Thank you and may a deity of your choice bless America and whoever’s running it right now.”