WASHINGTON, DC—Officials from the American Federation of Teachers and the Common Core Initiative have released a troubling report that paints a dismal picture for public school students. According to new data, homeschooled children are now outpacing publicly educated students in math, reading, and overall human decency. Furthermore, while homeschool kids were found to be 32,000 times more likely to have multiple firearms in their houses, they had committed exactly 0% of the mass shootings in the last 50 years.

In a press release timed to coincide with the release of the report, officials called for swift and bold policy change to correct this fundamental inequality in America’s education system.

“There is an entire segment of the population missing out on the credentialed teaching of AFT teachers and the Common Core curriculum,” said Brendy Von Spatty, a local AFT union rep. “These kids are being forced to grow up under the archaic teaching of dumb religious parents who cling to guns and religion. They are not being taught about their white privilege, their racist heritage, their unfairly assigned genders, their dead God or their terrible country! They aren’t even learning long, unnecessarily complicated ways of completing math problems!” Spatty barely finished her sentence before shrieking “F- Trump!” at the sky and melting into a quivering gelatinous puddle on the ground.

Several brave public school teachers attempted to interject to say they did not agree with the AFT’s assessment before they were quickly shouted down and canceled.

There were a few bright spots on the report, however; public school students far outrank homeschoolers in familiarity with Billie Eilish’s musical work, intersectional gender theory, Ritalin use, the latest climate apocalypse scenarios, and literally every social skill.

Editors Note: I have to throw this in here to make clear that every public school teacher I know personally is a gosh-darn hero. My problem is not with the teachers, it is with a system run by ivory-tower intellectuals that I feel is failing both our kids and our teachers. Furthermore, I know a ton of good families with INCREDIBLE kids who send their kids to public school. The breakdown of the family is a huge part of the losing battle many of our teachers are fighting nowadays. God bless you, teachers!

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