Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting shot by the police? Like ever? Well, we want to help our readers avoid a sticky situation like that, so here are 7 ways to avoid getting shot by the police:

1. Don’t try to kill another person with a knife.
2. Call LeBron James for help. He’ll guide you through the process.
3. Call your local BLM office for backup.
4. Tell cops you’re a ‘mostly’ law-abiding citizen. If it works so well for ‘mostly’ peaceful protestors, why not?
5. Tell cops that if they shoot you, they’ll end up like Derek Chauvin. That should put them in their places.
6. Ask the cops to shoot you in the legs. Joe Biden’s an expert on this stuff.
7. If all else fails, drop on them a nuclear bomb, the likes of which they’ve never seen before. It has a 100% success rate.

Don’t worry, we checked in with LeBron James about our advice and he gave his approval, so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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