There are so many nascent therapeutic avenues for this ‘novel’ coronavirus it’s hard to know where to start. This is precisely why GT has called up its best Health and Medicine reporter Roxy Khloroqeene. She’s been following this pandemic from her underground bunker and discovered several interesting therapeutics just awaiting FDA approval.
The first one that’s been kept under wraps is movie theater candy. Since movie theaters have been closed for so long, the candy that was probably too old to eat anyway has gotten a heck of a lot older. It appears the Junior Mints, Goobers, Sno-Caps and Mike & Ike have been morphing into a toxic brew that is stronger than sunshine to a vampire. Toxic to the coronavirus that is.
A single Junior Mint combined with just a single Goober has enough antiviral potency to cure the sickest patients with COVID-19. This is precisely why movie theaters remain closed. The NIH, FDA, and CDC has sent out thousands of stale candy collectors to retrieve the country’s inventory of these potent newly discovered antivirals.
Unfortunately, only about 5 percent of the candy ever makes it to the lab as candy collectors tend to be a sweet-toothed hefty bunch. This explains the exact reason why C-19 persists in America. As we speak, the government has been recruiting anorexic candy collectors. So anyone with C-19; just know help is on the way.
As for these ‘Organic All-Natural Honey Capsules’, well, Roxy has been doing some research and finds that all the beekeepers who produce this wonder drug have been placed in Internment Camps along with their bees. However, it’s not all that bad. Since 90 percent of hotels are empty, Marriott has donated all Marriott Courtyards turning these former hotels into massive honey producing facilities with the bees placed in the courtyards to do their thing. It seems the reason the honey is so expensive is that beekeepers love their Happy Hours and the combined bar tab is closing in on $850 billion. Oh well. Damn drug companies.