Quarantined Joe Biden grows mustache so he can continue sniffing hair
WASHINGTON, DC – Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been quarantined and staffers for his campaign have finally convinced him to...
The Petty Prophet
The Petty Prophet is a shadowy figure and a reporter-at-large for Genesius Times. Little is known about him, but he's most likely a straight white male. Ew. You should probably disavow everything he writes if you know what's good for you. Follow at www.thepettyprophet.com
Soccer players practicing social distancing still manage to foul each other
ENGLAND – The godless communists who watch soccer are happy to report little has changed in their beloved sport since...
Terrible show pretends to be good for the first 3 seasons
U.S. – Local quarantined couple John and Lynn Flenderson are exploring legal options this week after what they claim was...
Church disguises itself as an abortion clinic so government will let it stay open during lockdown
Richmond, VA — With churches around the country closing and violators of stay-at-home orders being fined and imprisoned, one church...
Michigan Governor enlists Combine Army to help enforce quarantine
Detroit, MI -- According to embedded sources, Michigan's designated administrator Gretchen Whitmer has reached out to the Combine Army from...
Elon Musk’s Mars volunteer list overwhelmed by Dutch Puritans trying to leave the planet
HAWTHORNE, CA- Elon Musk has announced that Space X will no longer be taking volunteers for the first voyage to...
To prevent death or injury, CDC recommends canceling everything forever
ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued new guidelines for dealing with the sniffles...
Voters split about whether they want breadlines and gulags in America just yet
GOSHEN, IN – With Bernie Sanders cleaning up in the democratic primaries, voters around the country are split about whether...
Buttigieg eats grapefruit by stabbing it with scissors and vacuuming the contents out with a straw
SOUTH BEND, IN – Pete Buttigieg came under criticism by pouncing Republicans this week after it was discovered he has...
Purple cyclops community praises Pixar for embracing diversity
ATLANTA, GA—The Society for the Inclusion of One-eyed Purple People (SIOOPP) is praising Disney Pixar today after it was revealed...
