ENGLAND – The godless communists who watch soccer are happy to report little has changed in their beloved sport since the onslaught of the coronavirus. The Supreme Duke of Sillynanny, or whatever the guy in charge of soccer is called, enacted strict social distancing guidelines for everyone who plays the game, but it has thankfully not affected game play in the least. Even from 6 feet away, soccer players are still managing to foul each other and flop in keeping with the sport’s finest traditions.
In a recent scrimmage between the North Island Ticketymouses and the West Dumplingshire Flimmittyflams, two players were gravely injured in a horrific collision from over 8 feet away. Late in the second period, as they invoked the pagan games of their savage ancestors who entertained themselves by kicking around the severed heads of their fallen enemies, tragedy struck. The two opposing players skipped like graceful Tinkerbells from opposite ends of the field. They locked eyes with each other and charged, before running headlong into an invisible wall.
The resulting collision sent shock waves throughout the entire land. Paramedics rushed to the scene to find the field littered with crying Flimmittyflams and weeping Ticketymouses. The game has been put on hold until all the players recover. In the meantime, the fans plan to kill time by burning and pillaging the nearby town of Dumplingshire.