GT’s Definitive Guide to Panicking During the Coronavirus Pandemic
There has been a lot of confusion during the chaos of the coronavirus plague and pandemic. The CDC has said...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Ocasio-Cortez recommends money laundering to fight coronavirus
Visionary intellectual and United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York has has issued a statement defending money laundering to...
Bill Gates leaves Microsoft board to focus on killing innocent people through biological weapons
Microsoft announced on Friday that Bill Gates is leaving the board, effective Friday. Gates is also stepping down from his position on...
PSA: All public events are cancelled so that residents can meet at Costco to fight over toilet paper
This is a Genesius Times Public Service Announcement regarding the unprecedented coronavirus outbreak: Until further notice, all public events in...
BREAKING: Biden to self-quarantine; will only sniff women under 17 from now on
The coronavirus crisis is starting to hit Capitol Hill as two Republican lawmakers announced Sunday they were were in "self-quarantine"...
Joe Biden promises to cure coronavirus if elected president
Former Vice President Joe Biden made a bold promise today to "cure coronavirus" if he is elected president in 2020. During a press...
Bernie assures dying Italians that rationing of care their in socialized medical system ‘isn’t so bad’
Democratic socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders flew to Italy before the travel ban goes into effect to assure dying Italians...
BREAKING: John Travolta hospitalized with suspected coronavirus
Legendary actor and performer John Travolta was hospitalized yesterday with what doctors suspect is coronavirus COVID-19. He reportedly checked in...
Florida man drowns in hand sanitizer trying to protect himself from coronavirus
The body of a local man who drowned this week in hand sanitizer in his Springfield homd was recovered this...
CDC recommends rationing toilet paper in preparation for a Bernie Sanders presidency
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a warning recommending people ration their toilet paper in...
