GT’s Definitive Guide to Panicking During the Coronavirus Pandemic

There has been a lot of confusion during the chaos of the coronavirus plague and pandemic. The CDC has said that the current outbreak of stupidity may be worse than coronavirus. Do not listen to them! We are hear to set the record straight and ensure that you reject all reason in this crucial time.

1. If you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs, start.

This is no time to be quiet. Yell, scream, flatulate. And definitely turn up the volume on MSNBC! Anything but staying quiet will do. The more people hear loud noises, the more likely they are to panic like you, which helps you panic even more.

2. Buy toilet paper.

President Trump has unleashed all the power of the federal government to combat this dreaded disease, including opening up the Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves. Go out and buy toilet paper! This will not save you from the coronavirus, but it will make you feel prepared to starve to death on the toilet hiding from it.

3. Definitely do not look at the data!

The data show that the elderly—especially those with heart or respiratory conditions—are at risk of dying from COVID-19, but that younger people are not. In fact, it’s likely that younger people may have already had the disease without noticeable symptoms. But this would likely decrease the panicking, so DO NOT LOOK AT THE DATA. Only continue to listen to sensational news outlets!

4. Crash the economy.

Everyone knows that the best way to fight infectious disease is to have a really bad economy so that resources cannot be allocated efficiently. The best thing to do during this pandemic is to quit your job, stop buying anything (except for toilet paper) and short sell all your stocks.

5. Be suspicious of all people from Asia.

We all know that coronavirus was created in a secret laboratory in Wuhan China to kill off half the world’s population. So, it makes sense to be suspicious of everyone who looks Asian. If they don’t have the disease, they probably helped create it. Stay away!

6. Wear a creepy-looking face mask.

Health professionals say, “There’s no evidence that wearing masks on healthy people will protect them. They wear them incorrectly, and they can increase the risk of infection because they’re touching their face more often.” But it helps people think there’s a crisis so encourages panicking. It helps if it’s one of those stupid skeleton jaw masks.

7. Completely wrap yourself in grocery bags.

There is evidence that drowning yourself in hand sanitizer can be hazardous to your health, but completely wrapping yourself in bubble wrap can be equally useless and terrifying. wrapping yourself in grocery bags is nearly as effective.