WASHINGTON, DC—House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) launched a marathon filibuster yesterday to block the passage of the so-called “Big Beautiful Bill,” a sprawling 2,000-page piece of legislation that, among other things, seeks to officially designate Jeffries as “Dollar Store Obama” in the U.S. legal code. The provision, buried on page 1,743, has sparked outrage, memes, and a record-breaking congressional standoff that’s left lawmakers on both sides reaching for their energy drinks.

The Big Beautiful Bill, championed by an eclectic coalition of legislators aiming to “make bureaucracy sexy again,” includes funding for infrastructure, tax breaks for artisanal pickle vendors, and a controversial mandate to replace all government pens with glitter gel pens. But it’s the “Dollar Store Obama” clause that has Jeffries holding the House floor for over 18 hours, reciting everything from the Constitution to his grandmother’s cornbread recipe in an effort to kill the bill.

“This is an affront to my dignity, my legacy, and my barber’s fade game,” Jeffries declared, pausing only to sip from a comically oversized water bottle. “I am not a discount version of anyone. I’m Hakeem Jeffries, full-price, premium, organic, non-GMO leader of the people!

”The provision, reportedly inserted as a prank by a rogue staffer with a penchant for nicknames, defines Jeffries as “a budget-friendly facsimile of the 44th President, lacking the original’s charisma, but available at a fraction of the cost.” Republicans claim it’s harmless fun, with one anonymous congressman noting, “It’s just a nod to his, uh, inspirational vibes. Plus, who doesn’t love a good deal?

”Democrats, however, are rallying behind Jeffries, calling the label a cheap shot. “This is not just an attack on Hakeem; it’s an attack on every American who’s ever been compared to a knockoff brand,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who briefly joined the filibuster to read Yelp reviews of dollar stores in solidarity.

As Jeffries droned on into the night, weaving in references to Jay-Z lyrics and the nutritional benefits of kale, the filibuster took on a life of its own. Congressional aides reported that spectators in the gallery began chanting “Full-Price Hakeem!” while others ordered pizza to sustain the marathon.

By hour 15, Jeffries was reportedly reciting the entire plot of The Matrix trilogy, complete with character impressions.Political analysts are divided on the strategy. “This could backfire,” warned pundit Carla Snarkwell. “The longer he talks, the more people might start thinking ‘Dollar Store Obama’ has a nice ring to it.” Others see it as a bold stand against legislative pettiness. “Hakeem’s fighting for his brand,” said historian Dr. Jamal Winston.

“In today’s economy, being called ‘dollar store’ anything is a low blow.”As of press time, Jeffries showed no signs of slowing down, having pivoted to a detailed analysis of why New York-style pizza is superior to Chicago’s deep dish. The Big Beautiful Bill remains stalled, with lawmakers scrambling to remove the offending provision.

Meanwhile, dollar stores across the nation reported a 20% spike in sales, with one cashier noting, “I don’t know who this Jeffries guy is, but he’s moving product.”

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