BREAKING: Trump considering appointing special prosecutor to cover up the Epstein files
Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump confirmed today that he is “strongly considering” appointing a special prosecutor to manage the sensitive task of permanently burying the Epstein files.
“Look, people keep asking about the Epstein files. The list. The island. The pilots. The weird temple. They won’t stop,” Trump told reporters during an impromptu press conference held in the White House ballroom between courses of a fundraising dinner hosted by Kid Rock. “So I’m thinking, maybe we bring in a very special prosecutor — someone who knows how to cover things up properly. Classy. Organized. With gold folders.”
According to unnamed senior officials, the new prosecutor’s role would be “purely investigatory, administrative, and cosmetic,” with an emphasis on preventing the release of anything that might cause embarrassment to powerful donors, celebrities, or sitting members of Congress.
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified the initiative in a holographic press briefing.
“We believe transparency is important,” Leavitt said, beaming from a podium flanked by flamethrower-equipped Secret Service drones. “Which is why we must act swiftly to obscure these documents before the American people see something that might make them ask more questions. Questions are the real threat to democracy.”
While the president has not confirmed who he is considering for the role, sources close to the administration have floated names including:
- Jared Kushner, citing his extensive experience in sealed envelopes
- Rudy Giuliani, who is reportedly “between gigs and under several houses”
- And a mystery candidate known only as “The Cleaner,” believed to be either a retired CIA archivist or possibly Clint Eastwood in a wig
Critics have accused the president of hypocrisy, pointing out that just last week, Trump promised to release the Epstein files “immediately after winning a fourth term.”
When pressed on the discrepancy, Trump explained: “It’s simple. I will release the files. Then the special prosecutor will unreleasify them. That way, everyone’s happy. That’s called leadership. Look it up.”
Democrats have issued a formal complaint, calling the proposed cover-up “deeply troubling” and “almost cartoonishly evil.” In response, Republicans in Congress released a joint statement praising the president’s commitment to “surgical secrecy and narrative management.”
About Author
