BREAKING: Trump reschedules Easter to May 1st

President Donald Trump announced on Sunday that the White House would be extending its social distancing guidelines through April 30 but that he still wants churches to be packed on Easter, so he has decided to move the Resurrection of the Lord to May First.

“The peak in death rate is likely to hit in two weeks,” Trump said. “And I still want churches to be packed for Easter, so I just went ahead and moved Easter to after the lockdown.”

The announcement comes after Trump said last week he hoped to open the country back up by Easter, which was previously scheduled for April 12, according to the millennia-old Church calendar.

“It’s just not a good time to schedule to Resurrection of the Lord during all this, so we just moved it.

Trump said it was a “beautiful” time to ease up on the social distancing guidelines that are aimed at slowing the spread of the coronavirus to prevent overwhelming the health care system, but that it was just going to have to be pushed back a couple weeks.

Leaders of the world’s Christian sects were somewhat hesitant to go along with the change, but figured they had no ground to stand on after capitulating to draconian and ill-conceived lockdowns across the globe.