Chicago Mayor Lightfoot offers cash reward to take down Batman
CHICAGO—Mayor Lori Lightfoot has stepped it up a notch by offering a cash reward for anyone who can capture and...
Culture
Joe Rogan replaces Neil Young in Crosby, Stills & Nash supergroup
Legendary folk rock supergroup Crosby, Stills & Nash announced comedian Joe Rogan joined the band and will begin touring unvaccinated-mandated...
Fauci: new federal ‘Jumbo’, XXX size anal swabs approved for TSA airport use
WASHINGTON, DC—Airline travel will be much safer with the use of the new Omicron, XXX anal swabs being utilized by...
Neil Young diagnosed with SIS; put on career ventilator, fans hold vigil for Spotify sales
REDWOOD CITY—Singer, songwriter Neil Young was admitted into the PR firm of APCO last night, suffering from delusions of importance...
Facebook launches new ‘vaccinated heart’ react icon complete with myocarditis
MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook, which is also known by its new name Fascbook has launched a new react button icon to...
New COVID variant ‘Happicron’ deadliest to old sourpusses and mediocre comedians
ATLANTA—The CDC has announced a new variant of the SARS-CoV-2 virus infecting Los Angeles in the West Hollywood area. It...
M&M’s releases new woke M&LGBTQIAM’s
HACKETSTOWN, NJ—M&M's chocolate candy is going woke with new, inclusive M&LGBTQIAM's with a unique filling: actual sh*t. Mars Wrigley Group,...
Leonardo DiCaprio presents his top 10 bucket list for the 9 years left of Earth
With just a limited amount of time left on the planet Earth, Leonardo DiCaprio’s shared his official bucket list of...
BREAKING: AOC begins cloning herself so that ‘everyone can date her’
US—Blueside Biological Labs has begun cloning US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) so that "everyone can date her," according to Left...
After being caught with locket of hair in mask, White House confirms Biden’s sniffing addiction
(CNN) The White House today has confirmed President* Joe Biden's hair sniffing addiction after he was caught with a locket...
