Bill Gates to constantly stroke a white cat to solidify his role as global supervillain
REDMOND, WA—Renowned tech and biotech mogul Bill Gates has decided he will carry around a white cat and stroke it...
Health
BREAKING: COVID-19 has died after infecting Chuck Norris at age 81
DALLAS—COVID-19, the novel coronavirus, which has wrecked havoc across the globe, has been declared dead after infecting Chuck Norris. "We...
Colin Powell dies from COVID-19 shortly after dying from cancer
WASHINGTON, DC—Colin Powell, who served Democratic and Republican presidents in war and peace but whose sterling reputation was forever stained...
BREAKING: Biden bans assault breathing; mandates holding breath while in public
WASHINGTON, DC—In the ongoing fight against the deadliest disease ever, President* Joe Biden has outlawed assault breathing and mandated that...
Anti-mask student released from jail after promising to become a school shooter instead
LARAMIE, WY—An anti-mask Laramie high school student, Grace Smith, was arrested for trespassing after daring to come to school without...
CDC warns Democrats to not take ivermectin because ‘it kills parasites’
ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Health Prevention (CDC) has issued a warning that Democrats and democratic socialists should not...
Biden taps Weinstein to lead ‘Jobs for Jabs’ program citing his experience putting things into people’s bodies for them to get work
WASHINGTON, DC—US President* Joe Biden has appointed famous Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein to lead his new "Jab for a Job"...
BREAKING: California legalizes needle rape for K-12 schools
SACRAMENTO—California on Friday became the first state to legalize needle rape for all public and private schoolchildren, a move affecting...
YouTube bans YouTube for showing videos of the CDC contradicting the CDC
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google’s media giant YouTube has been banned indefinitely from its own video streaming service for violating its community...
Breaking WELY News Update
The US government is collapsing and we’re pretending it’s not! All in the latest news update! Stay current on the...
