Local stores completely sold out of 9mm vaccine passports
SPRINGFIELD—All area stores have completely sold out if their supply of 9mm vaccine passports amid a nation-wide shortage. The shortage...
Newsbeat
Local Branch Covidian waterboards himself trying to drink vaccine through his mask
US—A local member of the Branch Covidian sect of Fauciism, David Jackaski is in the hospital today after accidentally waterboarding...
Jill Biden has sharp object removed from foot after stepping on Hunter’s crack pipe
WASHINGTON, DC—First Lady* Dr. Jill Biden had a sharp object removed from her left foot by doctors at Walter Reed...
CNN: Biden draws mostly supportive crowd in Pennsylvania
(CNN) The most popular president in the history of the world, Joe Biden, drew a mostly supportive crowd in Allentown,...
BREAKING: Dozens shocked that Democrat lawmakers won’t be held accountable
US—Dozens of people around the globe were shocked today to learn that multiple Democratic lawmakers won't be held accountable for...
FBI: ‘Our top priority is keeping citizens safe from violent plots devised by us’
WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI has assured citizens that their "top priority is keeping citizens safe from violent plots devised by the...
Rand Paul installs new height requirement to prevent Fauci from lying to Congress
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has installed a new height requirement in the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and...
Shocking poll: 1% believe the crazy conspiracy theory that Biden got 81 million votes
US—A surprisingly high 1% of the US population believe the wild conspiracy theory that Joe Biden got 81 million votes...
Latin Mass Catholics change their name to ‘Latinx’ to get support from Pope Francis
THE VATICAN—Following a clamp down by Pope Francis on the Latin Mass in the church, traditional Catholics are fighting back....
CNN replaces all anchors with Baghdad Bob
ATLANTA—Legacy media titan CNN has hired austere press relations master Baghdad Bob to replace all anchors including Erin Burnett, Chris Cuomo, and...
