Newsbeat

Fauci: You must give yourself a swirly to prevent catching the coronavirus

Exavier Saskagoochie July 31, 2020

Are you prepared to do your part in combating the coronavrius epidemic? The esteemed expert of immunology and overlord of...

Lori Lightfoot blames Chicago gun violence on gas pumps failing to print receipts

Justin Case July 30, 2020

Just today, Mayor of Chicago Lori Lightfoot reveals the exact cause of the mass murders going on in her city...

Local man eaten by plant that grew from mysterious Chinese seeds

Exavier Saskagoochie July 30, 2020

PROVO, UT—A local man, Harry S. Truman (no relation to the president), was eaten alive by the plant that grew...

BREAKING: Biden replaces Secret Service detail with super friendly social workers

Exavier Saskagoochie July 28, 2020

WASHINGTON DC--A longtime proponent of "redirecting" police funds, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden is putting his money where his...

Having not found 5 righteous people in Chicago, Trump orders a surge of fire and brimstone

Exavier Saskagoochie July 22, 2020

President Donald Trump, having not found even 5 righteous people in the city of Chicago, announced plans Wednesday to send...

BREAKING: Mayor Lightfoot outlaws shooting people in Chicago

Exavier Saskagoochie July 16, 2020

Following increased violence in Chicago with record killings recently, Mayor Lori Lightfoot has decided to take unprecedented measures to protect...

Bill Gates infuriated that they keep coming up with cheap cures to his coronavirus bioweapon

Exavier Saskagoochie July 13, 2020

REDMOND, WA—Billionaire and Bond Supervillain Bill Gates is incresingly infuriated that doctors and health practitioners keep coming up with simple...