CDC: ‘Coronavirus won’t last much longer because it was made in China’

An new report by the CDC promises that the novel coronavirus/COVID-19 won’t last much longer, “because it was made in China.”

“Typically, you can count on about 3-4 months from anything you get from China,” CDC spokesman Lenn Garrick said. “It’s the same with viruses and disease. This Wuhan coronavirus has a shelf-life of about 1 more month, tops.”

The news was met with mixed feelings across the country and globe. Many health officials and quarantine Karens were devastated to hear that we might see the end of the disease which has given them so much purpose.

Most other people were happy to hear about the impending end of the pandemic.

“I mean, usually I’m not happy that all the stuff I get from China breaks within weeks of getting it, but to be honest, I don’t mind in this case,” Oakland resident Jerry Jabba said.

California Governor Gavin Newsom said there is still time to panic before COVID-19 goes away. If you need assistance, please see our definitive guide to panicking during the coronavirus pandemic.