CHICAGO—A group of 100 feminists marched defiantly outside Vienna Beef headquarters today, in order to protest national hotdog day, July 22nd. They called themselves the Hotdog Crushers. The protestors picketed, staged sit ins, and chanted “keep your hotdogs, send them South, get those wienies out of my mouth!”
We approached the protest organizer for comment, who would only speak with a female Genesius Times reporter.
“We are here to do one thing and one thing only, shutdown what is no longer fit to be an American holiday! Hotdog day must be stopped, it can longer be an American symbol. A hotdog represents men and all men are bad. All of them. This is how we will defeat the Patriarchy!”
We asked the protest organizer whether or not putting a stop to National Hotdog Day would really make progress for women’s rights or was it only a superficial gesture and, this person repeated the same statement above.
Undeterred, we pressed and asked what the Hotdog Crushers were doing in order to assist single mothers or help women in the workplace. The protest organizer called our reporter a colorful name that rhymes with rich.
“I was unaware that a hotdog is a symbol of the Patriarchy,” said woke blogger See N. Enn, “but now that I saw it pop up on Google, I just had to join the protest!”
Being an American news agency, we naturally brought plenty of hotdogs with us to the protest but not even one of the protestors would eat with this. We had ketchup, mustard, grilled onions, and everything!
In spite of the protest and a call for a boycott of hotdogs last week, sales of the delicious food have tripled. Could this be because of the boycott, the fact that July 22 is National Hotdog Day, or both?
“I am surprised that the hotdog boycott was unsuccessful,” said US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, “first it failed for Goya foods and now this! We’re running out of foods we woke people can eat. Kinda like communism!”
Before Democrats make it illegal, we at the Genesius Times would like to wish you and your family a Happy Hotdog Day!