BREAKING: Local Farmer Alleges Ed Gallrein Barbecued Bald Eagle at Secret Ceremony 
BREAKING: Cow Claims Thomas Massie Offered Her $5k in ‘Cow Money’ to Hide His Popeyes Love 
Groundbreaking AI Study Resolves MJ vs. LeBron GOAT Debate with Empirical Simulation 
AOC: Republicans are trying to rig elections by only allowing US citizens to vote 
Trump Deploys Maintenance Crew to Correct Glaring Typo 
Trump declines call for unity with demonic commies who want him and all his followers dead
US—President Donald J. Trump has declined to hold hands and sing unity anthems with self-described demonic communists, a group that...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
Federal judge overturns the arrest of Charlie Kirk killer: ‘We’re not even sure assassination is against the law anymore’
UTAH—Federal Judge Huga Wokehammer (they/them) overturned the arrest of Tyler Robinson, the suspected shooter in the assassination of conservative firebrand...
Democrats urge the ‘Stupid, inbred, racist, Nazi Republicans’ to tone down the rhetoric
WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the shocking assassination of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk, Democratic leaders have issued a heartfelt plea...
BREAKING: Democrats promise to keep killing people until you give up your guns
WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Democrats have promised to keep killing people until you give up your guns. Former Speaker of the House...
Brave NC Judge Sentences Knife To Life In The Utensil Drawer
CHARLOTTE, NC — Judge Teresa Stokes has sentenced a knife to life imprisonment without parole in a utensil drawer. The...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo...
Why Monitoring Your Credit Reports Matters
Your credit report is more than a list of numbers—it’s a record that reflects how you handle money and responsibilities....
Liberals drop support for Ukraine after discovering Ukrainians are white
US—Progressive activists across the United States have abruptly withdrawn their support for Ukraine following the tragic murder of Iryna Zarutska,...
Leftists quietly update profile pics to ‘Slava Ukraini! * unless a crazy black man kills an innocent Ukrainian on a train’
In a nuanced display of moral acrobatics, progressive activists across the United States have begun updating their social media profile...
BREAKING: Federal Judge Overturns President Trump’s Claim That He’s Still Alive
WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has formally overturned President Donald J. Trump’s repeated statements that he is “alive and well,”...
