POLL: 93.7% of all poll numbers are made up

BOSTON—MIT spokesman, Paul Rolls put it right out there, “Polls are full of sh*t! Our poll using our monster super computer MOAP confirmed what we always thought. Our results of polling polls is that 93.7 percent are completely made up, including this one. The other 6.3 percent that aren’t, were usually done with a dart board or spinning wheel or some random method and so they are usually more accurate.”

Polls can control the news cycle, especially during the election. Media anchors and pundits quote the results for their own use. We asked Mr. Rolls how it all goes off the rails?

“The first big mistake is to involve a human being anywhere in the process. People lie. The people asking the questions lie and the people answering the questions lie and the people who add up the lies, lie so you tell me, how do you know the truth? Ya don’t, do you. Here at MIT we created MOAP. It doesn’t lie. The only humans involved in the whole process are observers who call each other to make sure they aren’t talking to anyone important. MOAP asks the questions and answers them. The resulting information is 99.999 percent accurate. The truth.”

We asked where the information goes after that.

“We give the results to whoever paid us to do the poll. That is usually a middleman or a media or government agency. They can do what they want with the truth, which is usually to change it. Lie… they can’t help themselves. We did a poll on second hand smoke and pet monkeys for the cancer institute. There was no connection between Marlboro cigarettes and monkey lung cancer. The cancer institute said our poll was inconclusive. So did the pet monkey consortium. Marlboro ran an ad of a monkey choosing its cigarette over the generic brand.”