According to a consensus of leading election pollsters, thousands of deceased American voters confirmed that they intend to re-elect Joe Biden as president of the United States in the 2024 General Election, even if he’s dead himself. Self-proclaimed President-Elect Joe Biden whose electoral victory has not yet been certified by the Federal Elections Commission, was not surprised by the terrific news.

Benjamin Blankenship of Winooski, Vermont, who passed away in the year of our Lord 1934 after a long battle with tuberculosis indicated that he would most certainly cast his vote for “Lunchbox” Joe. “We simply cannot afford 4 more years of record low unemployment, trade deals, and stock market rallies under George, er, uh, the orange guy…”

Myrtle Eleanor Crane who is resting in peace at the Wauwatosa Cemetery in Wisconsin echoed this sentiment. Myrtle died in a tragic blimp accident in 1843 when dirigible travel was in its infancy. She will vote for Joe Biden again in 2024 along with a straight Blue ticket.

A lifelong Democrat whose final resting place is located in the historically Republican stronghold of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, Samuel Cornelius Smucker was a sparring partner for heavyweight boxing champ John L. Sullivan in 1883 (although some scholars maintain that it may have been 1884). Sam is thrilled to cast his vote for Joe Biden’s 2024 re-election maintaining “If I could vote now, I would!”  He expressed concerns about voting in person during the COVID pandemic citing ‘pre-existing conditions’ (chronic whooping cough) and will again cast his 2024 ballot by mail.

Anticipating higher than normal mail-in ballots in 2024, Governor Gretchen Whitmer appointed Jussie Smollett to head Michigan’s Bureau of Elections. Drawing on years of experience in electoral policy, Jussie is excited to make an impact in the 2024 race. In early 2019, Jussie was viciously assaulted in Chicago by two black Donald Trump supporters who shouted ‘You’re in MAGA country’. Jussie assured the Bureau that this experience would not prejudice his administrative decisions in any way. His first resolution concerning deceased voters was to bar anyone who expired (prior) to 1800 AD from voting in the 2024 General Election. Cited in the Detroit Free Press, “We simply cannot in good conscience accept ballots from anyone who died before the 18^th century. It was a difficult decision, but we needed to cut it off somewhere…” Zebenezer Horacio Wadsworth who distinguished himself in the Battle of Monmouth during the American Revolutionary War and whose body layeth buried in Detroit’s Elmwood Cemetery expressed dismay over this new policy. He has considered retaining an attorney to explore if his constitutional rights aren’t being violated.

The head groundskeeper at Hart Island, NY, the largest potters field cemetery in the country chose to remain anonymous for a recent interview concerning the voting habits of its residents. “The residents are mostly quiet, and decidedly democrat when it comes to voting. I generally don’t have no (sic) problems with any of ‘em, except for during full moons and such…”

If these early polls are an indicator, Joe Biden and Kamal Harris should be resoundingly re-elected in 2024 in yet another landslide.

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