Archeologists discover first probable coronavirus victim

ATLANTA—Archeologists working in coordination with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have discovered the first probably coronavirus victim ever.

The remains of what is thought to be a Roman soldier were found in the North Italian Alps. Originally, scientists thought that the ancient man had died from the large iron rod found running through his brain and sticking out of his skull, but after discussions with health officials including Dr. Anthony Fauci of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, it has become clear that he died from coronavirus.

“It’s clear if you look at the scars and the jaw bone that this man was coughing a lot and, you know that’s one of the main symptoms,” Fauci said.

While coronavirus has killed hundreds of thousands of people, officials say that there is a silver lining.

“It appears that everyone who is dying is dying from COVID and the disease must miraculously cure heart disease, Alzheimer’s, car accidents, and impaling by iron rods,” Fauci said. “This phenomenon has nothing to do with the fact that the government is incentivizing hospitals to code deaths as caused by COVID.”