Newsom mandates a 10k-seat ‘Looters Section’ at Superbowl LVI
LOS ANGELES—Spectators paying upwards of $10,000 (yes, you read that right) to watch the LA Rams and Cincinnati Bengals slug...
Gumpers
BREAKING: France to deploy troops to Caribbean islands of Ukraine in the ‘Speed Bump’ formation
PARIS—French President Emmanuel Macron announced the deployment of a few companies of French troops into the Ukraine conflict. Taken from...
Oprah explains to Whoopi how real power is when white people can’t fire you
NEW YORK—Whoopi Goldberg, after being suspended from her job at ABC’s ‘The View’ met with Oprah to vent about the...
BREAKING: China unveils new deadlier Dancing Panda virus at Olympic opening ceremonies
BEIJING—As promised, the new killer Chinese virus was ready for the 2022 Olympics opening ceremony, exposing everyone in attendance. Reviews...
Elite Rogan’s Rangers deployed to Ukraine armed only with deadly interviews
KYIV, UKRAINE—The elite unit Rogen’s Rangers was deployed by the Biden Pentagon in the middle of the night to the...
China reassures world that new virus will be ready in time for the Olympics
BEIJING—The Chinese Olympic committee said today that people shouldn’t worry, they will absolutely have a new virus ready by the...
UPENN combines men’s / women’s swim teams; winning now based on talent and looks
PHILADELPHIA—UPENN Board of Trustees will announce tomorrow that the best solution for the swim team’s trans conundrum is to keep...
Meghan & Harry: ‘We spent our last $3700 on publicity’
BROKE magazine interviewed The Duke and Duchess of Montecito on their last day in their once lovely, now empty home....
New White House cat bears strong resemblance to missing cat from Pennsylvania
Willow Glen farmer Andy “Buck’ Clydebrook shook his head when told that his cat, Willow, missing for a while, looked...
Biden announces ‘Top Ten’ demands for Russia and Putin
WASHINGTON, DC—President Joe Biden announced his Top Ten demands for Russia and Putin as tensions at the Ukraine border escalate:1)....
