CNN: Biden to ensure this supply chain stays open
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden is working nonstop to combat the supply chain issues that President* Biden is creating. But he has...
Exavier Saskagoochie
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Gates warns he will release smallpox if people don’t get COVID vaccine
SEATTLE—Tech founder and worldwide supervillain Bill Gates says that he will release the deadliest disease known to man—smallpox—if people don’t get vaccinated...
Rittenhouse agrees to help with medical in the riots after his acquittal
KENOSHA, WI—Kyle Rittenhouse, defendant in the 2020 self-defense case, has promised to help out with medical support in the riots...
Failed presidential candidate ‘Beto’ launches gubernatorial ‘Beta’ campaign
EL PASO—If at first you don’t succeed, try failing again. That’s the unofficial motto for Robert O’Rourke's Texas gubernatorial campaign after his...
US House indicts 90% of Americans for Contempt of Congress
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the House indictment of Trump ally Steven Bannon for Contempt of Congress, the House, led by Speaker Nancy...
BREAKING: Pfizer releases new vaccine to protect against the side effects of its COVID vaccine
ATLANTA—Scientists are amazed by the quick development of yet another new vaccine under Project Warp Speed. The new vaccine developed...
Local woman devastated to learn pumpkin spice lattes don’t have any pumpkin in them
Having just drained her 743rd pumpkin spice latte (or PSL as she calls them), local woman was shaken to the...
Buttigieg to fix supply chain issues by making all US highways gay
WASHINGTON, DC—Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg pointed to homophobia as the reason for America's current supply chain issues during an appearance on MSDNC's Morning Fellatio on...
Newsom makes first public appearance since getting booster shot
SACRAMENTO--Dispelling any rumors that the COVID vaccine booster shot that he received October 27 caused his absence from the public,...
