Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Americans praise Congress for not doing anything the last 12 days
WASHINGTON, DC—Congress has become the darling of the nation for its remarkable feat of doing absolutely nothing in the last...
BREAKING: Republicans considering making Alex Jones Speaker of the House after McCarthy’s ouster
In a stunning and seemingly surreal turn of events, sources close to the Republican Party have revealed that they are...
BREAKING: East Palestine, OH changes name to Palestine to get Biden to visit
EAST PALESTINE, OH—In a truly audacious move that has left the nation both bewildered and amused, the tiny town of...
BREAKING: Fox News unanimously declares Jeb Bush Speaker of the House
WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning and, some would say, bewildering turn of events, Fox News, the network known for its unique...
BREAKING: AOC forced to pay a carbon offset penalty for her livestream flatulent
WASSHINGTON, DC—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), often recognized for her passionate climate advocacy, has found herself in hot air - quite...
Ozzy Osbourne hired to interpret Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC—Weeks into Joe Biden's presidency, Democratic strategists have finally find someone capable of interpreting what the hell he is...
BREAKING: Biden includes Hamas terrorists in impressive 336,000 new jobs report
WASHINGTON, DC—In a truly baffling turn of events, President* Biden's administration has managed to find a silver lining in the...
BREAKING: CIA accidentally gives $3 billion to Trump supporter disguised as Hamas terrorist
WASHINGTON, DC--We reported on a Trump supporter who disguised himself as a Hamas terrorist in order to be removed from...
Newsom celebrates Indigenous Peoples’ Day by sacrificing 666 people to climate goddess Greta
SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom will be celebrating Indigenous Peoples' Day at the capitol by sacrificing six unlucky human beings to...
