After Backlash, Cracker Barrel Reverts to ‘Old-Timer’ Logo, Slaps Sydney Sweeney on for Good Measure
In a move that screams “we hear you, but also, please look at this shiny distraction,” Cracker Barrel Old Country...
Business
BREAKING: Trump buys Ukraine, renames it ‘MyKraine’ in unprecedented peace deal
ALASKA—In what international analysts are calling “either the boldest diplomatic breakthrough of the century or a high-profile real estate closing,”...
WNBA Players Agree to Historic Pay Increase, To Be Paid in Oversized Bendy Dildos
NEW YORK—The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) has announced a groundbreaking pay increase for its players, to be distributed exclusively...
BREAKING: Sydney Sweeney issues apology for being so friggin hot
Actress Sydney Sweeney issued a formal public apology Thursday after facing widespread backlash for appearing in a recent American Eagle...
BREAKING: Epstein Island sold to wealthy Middle Eastern businessman Haadid Nahkil Muhssef
NEW YORK—A wealthy Middle Eastern businessman Haadid Nahkil Muhssef has purchased Jeffrey Epstein's pedophile island for $56 million, according to...
Walmart pulls Fried Chicken & Watermelon ‘Juneteenth’ ice cream after backlash
LOS ANGELES—Walmart has apologized for the Juneteenth items that its selling at its stores, specifically the Watermelon & Fried Chicken...
Walmart opens new ‘Loot!’ section in all of its California stores
UNITED STATES—Walmart CEO Dan McMillon announced today that Walmart will have a special looting section in all of its San...
Leftists Scramble to Put Out Fires They Started on Their Teslas Now That Elon Is Feuding with Trump
US—Left-leaning Tesla owners across the country are frantically trying to extinguish the fires they set on their own electric vehicles...
Swifties Vow to Endure Taylor Swift’s Horrible Music on Repeat to Fund Her Masters Buyback
In a bizarre twist that has the music world clutching its pearls and reaching for noise-canceling headphones, millions of Taylor...
Buc-ee’s opens first store in Vatican City minutes after cardinals elect first American pope
VATICAN—In a move that has left Catholics, Texans, and snack enthusiasts reeling, the Vatican announced the grand opening of a...
