BREAKING: George Floyd celebrates 1 year of sobriety
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—George Floyd, patron saint of fentanyl, celebrated 365 consecutive drug-free days today. Mr. Floyd famously quit taking drugs following...
Culture
BREAKING: G-D comes out as gender neutral, pronouns are they/them
HEAVEN—Heavenly sources confirmed today that G-D has come out as gender neutral, and Their preferred pronouns are They/Them. They Themselves...
Lego announces that all their minifigures have had sex change operations
BILLUND, DENMARK—The children's toy company Lego announced today that all the minifigures (the small Lego figurines) that you've been playing...
Disney opens new White Guilt Ride where whites can pay $160 to be slaves
VISTA DEL MAL, FL—In a brave move to call attention to systemic racism Disney World is introducing a new ride...
BREAKING: Demi Lovato comes out as an attention whore
HOLLYWOOD—Many sources are reporting that Demi Lovato has come out as an attention whore. The story is now more important...
Biden addresses gas lines by sending in world class musicians
In June of 1973, the price of a gallon of gasoline was under 50 cents. By May of 1974, it...
Here are 7 ways to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is as old as American pie. OK, maybe not that old, but it sure seems that way....
BREAKING: Hamas hires Ilhan Omar as new spokesman
GAZA—Hamas announced today that it’s hiring Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Palestine) as its new spokesman. She’ll be taking office sometime next...
Google removes Kyle Rittenhouse doodle after receiving complaints
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Search engine behemoth Google commemorated the Kenosha, WI unrest shooter Kyle Rittenhouse today with a fun doodle illustration...
BREAKING: Mostly peaceful Hamas fires mostly peaceful rockets into Israel
(CNN) ISRAEL—The mostly peaceful terrorist organization Hamas has fired a number of mostly peaceful rockets toward Jerusalem today, setting off...
