BREAKING: Vatican decrees that it’s okay to start playing Christmas music now
VATICAN CITY—In a rare move blending religious tradition and modern holiday spirit, the Vatican officially announced that it’s acceptable to...
Religion
BREAKING: Peanut the squirrel teams up with Harambe to posthumously endorse Donald Trump
NEW YORK—The spirit of Peanut the Squirrel has teamed up with Harambe the gorilla to posthumously endorse former President Donald...
Elizabeth Warren takes 1/1024th of the day off to celebrate Indigenous People’s Day
Most people are aware that Sen. Elizabeth Warren, front runner for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president, is a true...
Kamala Harris sacrifices 666 innocent people to Aztec sun god to celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day instead of that evil Columbus Day
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold and historic gesture, Vice President Kamala Harris marked this year’s Indigenous People’s Day with a dazzling...
Climate Goddess Greta Thunberg declares Hurricane Milton will spare followers’ homes if they paint their doors with aborted fetus blood
Climate Goddess Greta Thunberg has issued an urgent decree to her devout followers: **Hurricane Milton will bypass their homes—**if they...
Guinness World Records awards Mossad for ‘Most Vasectomies at One Time’ surpassing 2024 Democratic Convention
In a ceremony filled with pomp and, ironically, very little circumstance, Guinness World Records awarded the Israeli Mossad the coveted...
Oxford to discontinue “Is the Pope Catholic?” idiom
After several years of questionable Catholicism by Pope Francis, Oxford, publisher of the Official World Idiom Book, has announced it...
Planned Parenthood offering free abortions to anti-genocide Democrats
CHICAGO, IL — Planned Parenthood has unveiled its latest initiative: offering free abortions to attendees of the Anti-Genocide Democrat Convention....
Kamala Harris kicks off Democratic Convention by sacrificing two babies to Moloch
CHICAGO—Democrats kicked off their 2024 convention with Vice Presidential pick Kamala Harris sacrificing two babies to Moloch, the patron god...
Pope finally condemns Olympic Opening Ceremony for not including an abortion too
VATICAN CITY — In an unexpected and unprecedented statement, the Pope* has condemned the Paris Olympic opening ceremony for what...
