CDC says you can now peak your head out from your self-imposed prison once a day
NEW YORK (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said Tuesday that you can finally peak your...
Health
Bill Gates wins Oscar for best villain in real life
HOLLYWOOD—The 93rd Academy Awards broke a lot of new ground this year including awards for best real-life villain, which went...
Tylenol recalled after someone who took it tripped over his owns shoes, then fell into a coma
WASHINGTON, DC—The Food and Drug Administration issued a recall today on the distribution of Tylenol after someone who took it...
WARNING: COVID vaccine only works if you post a selfie of you getting it
HOBOKEN, NJ—A spokesman for Pfizer Pharmaceuticals issued a warning for their new COVID-19 vaccine, which is currently being deployed around...
Biden announces universal castration in order to stop sexual assault and regulate ‘ghost penises’
WASHINGTON, DC—President *Joe Biden announced major steps to address sexual assault today, using the executive authority to write laws. Biden announced six...
Colleges dump SAT for much more accurate parmesan cheese-smoking intelligence test
US—Colleges across the country are ditching the Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) for their standard entrance exam, replacing it with President...
BREAKING: US military to accept people who identify as good soldiers but are biologically no-skill fat slobs
WASHINGTON, DC—In a brave path forward under the Biden administration, the Pentagon is set to eliminate all discrimination in the...
CDC recommends everyone now wear tin foil face masks while in public
WASHINGTON — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) readied new guidelines Monday on coronavirus protections including an innovative...
No you can’t just ‘identify’ as being vaccinated. That only works with social constructs like having a penis.
It has come to my attention that so-called people are trying to act like they "identify" as being vaccinated without...
Portland offers free hits of crack with proof of COVID vaccination
PORTLAND, OR—Residents of Portland are lining up to receive their free hits of crack rock—a little extra incentive for receiving...
