Mike Pence gets millions of atheists to pray to God he becomes president
WASHINGTON DC—Vice President Mike Pence's theocratic dictatorship is nearly complete. One of the final pieces to the puzzle was getting...
Health
Cuomo invites Trump and Melania to 5-star NY nursing home after testing positive for COVID
ALBANY, NY—In an act of undeniable compassion, Governor Cuomo has reached out to President Donald Trump and First Lady and...
BREAKING: Biden pulls out of debates unless they provide several nap breaks
CLEVELAND—US Presidential Candidate Joe Biden says he won't debate President Trump unless there are ample nap breaks during the grandest...
I faked COVID and had the best 14 days of the pandemic. You should too.
I didn’t plan on defrauding my boss, my colleagues or my family. But one day I sneezed on a conference...
BREAKING: Dems decriminalize necromancy to bring back Ruth Bader Ginsburg from the dead
WASHINGTON DC—Democratic lawmakers met today in an “emergency” meeting in order to arrange and pass a bill through both the...
Bidet 2020: When Crazy People Took All the Toilet Paper
Yes, we made a sweatshirt (and other swag):
Biden names Cardi B Health Secretary after important fellatio PSA
WILMINGTO, DE—Demcratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has selected hip hop phenomenon Cardi B to be his Health and Human Services...
Netflix releases 3rd season of Making A Murderer: Andrew Cuomo
Netflix has raised the bar of television degeneracy. The entertainment behemoth have released the third season of the hit series...
Pelosi calls salon visit a ‘set up’ to make her look bad
SAN FRANCISCO—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says her recent visit to a San Francisco hair salon, in which she received styling...
CDC predicts emergence of several deadly viruses if Trump wins
ATLANTA—COVID-19 season is winding up, no it's winding down, no the cases are skyrocketing but the hospitals are empty. The...
