BREAKING: Biden eliminates all cancer in the U.S. by changing the definition of cancer to ‘disease no one has’
WASHINGTON, DC—Just a day after President* Joe Biden vowed to eliminate cancer in his Cancer Moonshot, he has succeeded 100%....
Science
Newsom unveils bold plan for free 100% renewable energy for California
SACRAMENTO—Governor Gavin Newsom is sick and tired of waiting for the federal government to lead the way in fighting climate...
Ocasio-Cortez to overturn the law of gravity because it’s ‘oppressing us’
WASHINGTON, DC—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made another bold legislative move promising to overturn the law of gravity because, "it's oppressing us." "When...
Lizzo urges fans to vote to overturn the law of gravity which is ‘oppressing us’
US—Obese singer Lizzo used her moment in the spotlight at MTV’s Video Music Awards (VMAs) to urge her fans to...
Branch Covidians hold candlelight vigil after learning Fauci will be stepping down
US—Adherents to the fastest growing religion in the country, the Branch Covidian cult, held candlelight vigils across the country after...
Historians remove Nicolaus Copernicus for denying scientific consensus
US—Nicolaus Copernicus was a Renaissance polymath, active as a mathematician, astronomer, and Catholic canon, whose statements frequently contradict the scientific consensus on the Earth...
BREAKING: Biden outlaws attempts to stop the spread of monkeypox as a hate crime
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has outlawed any attempt to try to stop the spread of monkey pox as a hate...
AOC says she was ‘just kidding about the Green New Deal’ as she pumps the AC to 72°
US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been making the case for reducing fossil fuels use and reducing one’s carbon footprint. But she recently...
BREAKING: FDA approves new Pfizer vaccine that is 95% effective against recession
US—The FDA has approved a new vaccine that is 95% effective against recession, a statement from the agency said. The...
97% of climate scientists say that the world has already ended and that everyone is dead
US—A new poll by the Pew Pew Institute has confirmed what many have suspected for some time: 97 percent of climate...
