NASHVILLE—Early voting has begun in Tennessee and the secretary of state has announced that it has been 116 percent free of fraud. The measure of socially distant voting has been praised by Republicans, Democrats and that one weird Libertarian guy.
“The early voting of our state is going well,” said Governor Bill Lee, “absentee ballots are easy to count. My staff just throws them into counting machines and forgets that they’re making minimum wage.”
The Governor also informed us that voter fraud was impossible in his state.
Tennessee’s voting system also caught the attention of three-time Presidential Candidate Joe Biden, who just happened to be speaking today at an 8-person rally in Bucksnort, Tennessee.
“It’s great what they’re doing here in Vermont,” said Biden while speaking to us at a post office, “why look at these votes, here!” The presidential candidate picked up a bulging bag of ballots marked ‘Democrat’. He then opened the bag and continued, “Here’s a vote for me by J. Hendrix! And here’s another from E. Pressley, J. Morrisson, and Tupac!”
Biden then rambled on about how these people “really did the thing.”
We asked Biden if it was legal for him to disclose who voted for him but he assured us that we need not worry, seeing as if the news got about this that Facebook and Twitter would cover it up.
“I’m happy to have voted early!” said Bea A. Sheepe, “just two days after I cast my ballot I received two ‘thank you for voting’ cards addressed to me and one addressed to me in my maiden name! They were for the wrong candidate but I’m sure this will be straightened out.”
A number of local residents claimed that their deceased relatives have been listed as having voted Democrat. Being reporters, we cannot report these opinions on family voting to you as that would be heresy. We did, however, ask that these deceased relatives contact us for interviews. At the time of this writing, 0 percent have responded.