Millions of returning college students diligently preparing to be offended by absolutely nothing


Millions of Gen Z college students are preparing to return to campuses across the country and be offended by absolutely nothing in the new year.

“We’ve been practicing all summer to be infuriated,” Laurie Foss, student at Penn State University said. “But we haven’t been told where we should direct that anger yet, so it’s causing a little anxiety, which I’m taking several prescriptions for.”

Joss Hilton, a PhD candidate in Gender Studies at a Seattle junior college said, “2019 is going to be a year of social change. We’re going to end the oppression that lurks everywhere. But we just haven’t found exactly what that oppression is yet.”

Young people across the country are reporting what doctors are calling premature triggering, a new psychological condition. They know that they are angry, but they don’t know which evil public personality to direct their anger toward.

“We’re going to change the world!” Foss exclaimed. “But we’re not sure what we’re going to change it to. The elites in charge haven’t told us that part yet.”

Others were planning on fake hate crimes to make their college experience even more invigorating.

“We can’t rely on people chalking ‘Trump 2020’ on the sidewalk to cause mass hysteria,” Chad Hunter of Indiana University said. “We’re going to go out there and create hate crimes the way they’re supposed to be so that we can fight them!”


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