Pope Francis declares pathetic laser Christmas lights a mortal sin

In a bold move that will rock the foundations of Christendom, Pope Francis has declared the installation of and display of those pathetic laser Christmas lights to be anathema and a mortal sin. He made the declaration ex cathedra—or from the seat of Peter—which carries the weight of infallibility.

“There are some serious sins,” His Excellency said during an off-the-cuff in-flight press conference on the papal plane on his way back from the Holy Land over the weekend, “but one of the most grievous is to desecrate the feast of the Nativity of Our Lord with those abominations.”

He added, “Inflatable lawn snowmen are okay, but inflatable unicorns are not.”

The declaration was the first to invoke papal infallibility since 1950, when Pope Pius XII declared Mary’s Assumption dogma.

“I mean, I could see if you’re permanently disabled there being a reason for them,” one analyst said on condition of anonymity. “But just put up some fake candles in your windows if you’re that lazy!”

Papal infallibility is used when the Pope is preserved from the possibility of error, “when, in the exercise of his office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, in virtue of his supreme apostolic authority, he defines a doctrine concerning faith or morals to be held by the whole Church.”

Some were wondering if it was sensible to make an “off-the-cuff” statement ex cathedra.