Public schools to replace Dodgeball with rubber bullets this fall

Luckily, gyms throughout this great nation of ours are empty, so they can be remodeled for the fall season. In inner city schools, the walls are being replaced with special bullet absorbing padding. This will serve three purposes. First, bullets won’t ricochet and hit bystanders watching the new game. Second, they will soften the blow to unlucky kids. And last, the blood spatter can be easily washed off before the next gym class.

You would think parents would be up-in-arms, but you would be wrong. Why? Parents are so sick of kids being home and trying to teach ’em stuff they themselves don’t know they’re willing to try anything at this point. Anything.

Now of course masks and gloves will be mandatory. We certainly don’t want any kid getting sick while they’re dodging bullets. Since some kids are just way faster than others, blindfolds will be used to handicap all the kids on the track and field team.

To offer a more ‘realistic’ experience, gas masks will be available to those who want more street cred. For gents who are a bit reluctant, Codpieces and Kevlar vests can be rented at additional cost. Naturally, girls want in, with steel chastity belts and breastplates available; sizes to be ‘determined’ by the male gym staff.

Classes in rioting, looting, arson, and general mischief will be available this fall. Jumping to conclusions upon learning of current events has also been discussed. Introductory classes will include firebombing box stores, auto parts stores, and minority owned businesses. Advanced classes introduce pink AR-15s for girls, blue for guys and rainbow for everyone else. Have fun out there, and let’s be careful.