Local stores completely sold out of 9mm vaccine passports
SPRINGFIELD—All area stores have completely sold out if their supply of 9mm vaccine passports amid a nation-wide shortage. The shortage...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Democrats call to defund all police except for the ones protecting them
WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Democrats called for the defunding of all police except for those police protecting them in a new campaign...
Local Branch Covidian waterboards himself trying to drink vaccine through his mask
US—A local member of the Branch Covidian sect of Fauciism, David Jackaski is in the hospital today after accidentally waterboarding...
Jill Biden has sharp object removed from foot after stepping on Hunter’s crack pipe
WASHINGTON, DC—First Lady* Dr. Jill Biden had a sharp object removed from her left foot by doctors at Walter Reed...
BREAKING: Nancy Pelosi breaks her own mask rule, kills 74 people
WASHINGTON, DC—Nancy Pelosi broke her own mask rule for a photo op at the Capitol, killing 74 people. https://twitter.com/TheFirstonTV/status/1421111997672853504 When...
BREAKING: Biden mandates frontal lobotomies for all federal employees, citing science
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden called on state and local governments to use COVID-19 relief funds to give $100 to residents who have a...
CNN: Biden draws mostly supportive crowd in Pennsylvania
(CNN) The most popular president in the history of the world, Joe Biden, drew a mostly supportive crowd in Allentown,...
Some female Olympians complain about ball-crushing uniforms after dominating performance
TOKYO—The Chinese Olympic track and field team has dominated all competition leading to the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games but they...
CDC opens ‘Faucitown’ where residents can drink vaccines mixed in Kool-Aid every day
FAUCITOWN, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have opened a village called Faucitown just outside of Atlanta where...
It’s racist to include vaccinated people in COVID death data right now
COVID is not done. Not even close. As CNN and MSNBC have made very clear, we're having a pandemic of...
