BREAKING: Pennsylvania elects first brain-dead Senator

PENNSYLVANIA—In a major defeat for ableism, voters of the Keystone State have elected the first braindead person to Senate, doubling down on their endorsement of the first braindead president.

Jon Fetterman was elected after stirring speeches in which he asserted that he was absolutely, “sit to ferve.”

“We wanted to show the country that brain dead politicians can hold elected office,” said W.O. Kayhole- a Gen-x voter from Pittsburgh.

“When Fetterman told us he would stop drilling in PA, I was all in. I couldn’t wait to cast my vote and go home to tell my dad who works in the fracking industry. He lost his job but there are lots of IT jobs available for him,” Kayhole added.

Democrats have entrenched themselves as the party of brain-dead candidates.

“We’re hoping to field 100% brain-dead candidates next election,” DNC Chair Jaime Harrison said.

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