I’m going on a hunger strike if Elon Musk takes over Twitter
I haven't written in a few months because I've been paralyzed with fear that my lone outlet in the world...
Business
BREAKING: Disney buys ‘Epstein Island’ for new kids-only theme park
VISTA DEL MAL, CA—Disney has purchased the controversial island owned by convicted pedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. The company...
BREAKING: Elon Musk invades Twitter; workers barricade themselves on 8th floor, plead for Biden to declare ‘no buy’ zone
SAN FRANCISCO—Twitter employees at the Market St. headquarters stacked furniture, shelving and anything they could find against office doors, determined...
Disney replaces bigoted white CIS-gender Mickey mascot with inclusive Pedobear in mouse ears
VISTA DEL MAL, CA—In an effort to stay ahead of the woke wave, Disney Corporation has replaced its bigoted white,...
Disney CEO Chapek promises at least 2 anal sex scenes in all kids’ movies from now on
VISTA DEL MAL, CA—In a town hall meeting today, Disney CEO Bob Chapek said the entertainment behemoth would put together...
In response to Russian attack, Biden imposes several new sanctions on American citizens
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the further attack by Russia on Ukraine, the Biden administration announced new sanctions on American citizens, ensuring further...
BREAKING: Chicago cancels all drive-by shootings this week due to high gas prices
CHICAGO—Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced that all drive-by shootings will be suspended due to high gas prices. "I'm sorry to announce...
Biden announces new mandate requiring workers to show proof of support for Ukraine to keep job
WASHINGTON, DC—The Biden administration ordered U.S. companies today to ensure their employees are fully supporting Ukraine by Jan. 4 or...
Tina and Amy award Genesius Times with 7 Falsies at the 4th Annual Fake News Awards
NEW YORK—Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted the 4th annual Fake News Awards at the Hyatt Grand Central, last night...
Biden bans buying oil from Russia; mandates buying Russian oil from China marked up 10%
WASHINGTON, DC—US President* Joe Biden announced Tuesday the U.S. will ban all oil imports from Russia and require imports of...
