Brave NC Judge Sentences Knife To Life In The Utensil Drawer
CHARLOTTE, NC — Judge Teresa Stokes has sentenced a knife to life imprisonment without parole in a utensil drawer. The...
Newsbeat
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo...
Liberals drop support for Ukraine after discovering Ukrainians are white
US—Progressive activists across the United States have abruptly withdrawn their support for Ukraine following the tragic murder of Iryna Zarutska,...
Leftists quietly update profile pics to ‘Slava Ukraini! * unless a crazy black man kills an innocent Ukrainian on a train’
In a nuanced display of moral acrobatics, progressive activists across the United States have begun updating their social media profile...
BREAKING: Federal Judge Overturns President Trump’s Claim That He’s Still Alive
WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has formally overturned President Donald J. Trump’s repeated statements that he is “alive and well,”...
Chicago proves it doesn’t need National Guard by only killing 7 and injuring 54 over weekend
In a bold display of civic pride, Chicago residents celebrated the city’s decision to keep the National Guard at bay...
My spoon killed another 2 gallons of ice cream last night; it’s time for common sense spoon control
This morning, I was devastated to find out that my spoon ate another 2 gallons of ice cream last night....
CNN: The attacker was not a white MAGA Christian male so we’re not going to report on it
ATLANTA—In a stunning display of journalistic efficiency, CNN announced today that it would immediately cease coverage of a breaking news...
AOC: The Minneapolis school shooting didn’t really happen because there are no guns allowed at schools
In the aftermath of what has been reported as a tragic event at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis, I find...
BREAKING: FBI Raids John Bolton’s Mustache in Pre-Dawn Operation
In a stunning escalation of federal overreach, the FBI conducted a dramatic 4 a.m. raid on former National Security Advisor...
