Cuomo: ‘Pizza is a substantive food unless you put pineapple on it’
NEW YORK—Governor Andrew Cuomo, in a lengthy explanation of possibly the most arbitrary government mandate in the long history arbitrary...
Science
CDC admits to using Common Core math to add up new COVID cases
ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have admitted to using Common Core math to add up new COVID...
Newsom mandates leather face masks so Californians can literally lick boots while being bootlickers
SACRAMENTO—Gov. Gavin Newsom has issued a statewide order mandating that all Californians wear leather face masks while in public or...
Bill Gates infuriated that they keep coming up with cheap cures to his coronavirus bioweapon
REDMOND, WA—Billionaire and Bond Supervillain Bill Gates is incresingly infuriated that doctors and health practitioners keep coming up with simple...
Activists furious that people are driving on the murals they painted on the street where cars go
Black Lives Matter activists around the country are livid after it has become apparent that people are driving over the...
500 lb. helmet made to keep all of Colin Kaepernick’s hair perfect during next NFL game
Astrophysicists have been tasked with creating a football helmet to keep Colin Kaepernick's hair perfect if he should play in...
97% of experts say burning all American cities to the ground is the best way to fight climate change
Why just today we hear about a potential second wave of COVID-19 due to the lack of social distancing and...
Rude asteroid ignores all guidance on social distancing with Earth
Looks like the looting, riots, arson and mayhem have pissed someone off. We think we know who but would rather...
Bill Gates installs several sharknados in tropical storm Cristobal; says he’s working on the cure
Bill Gates has installed several sharknados in the tropical storm Cristobal making landfall later today. He says that he's working...
Oppressed protester flips off evil racist cops
The scene flooded me with noble feelings of destruction. After knowing the damage my race has inflicted on the world;...
