ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet
As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the...
World
Cannibal Haitian Migrants Excited to Feast on Sanctuary City’s Liberal Cuisine
SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking twist of events, it appears that the recent surge of Haitian migrants heading for the United...
France celebrates killing babies to save them the embarrassment of surrendering later on
PARIS—In a groundbreaking move that has left the international community reeling, the French government has announced its decision to embrace...
Local men dominate International Women’s Day
The 2023 International Women's Day was a great success, focusing mainly on local men who think they're women. "Really, the...
BREAKING: Origin of Jewish space lasers identified
ALDERAAN—In a groundbreaking development, photographic evidence has been unearthed that reveals the true origins of the elusive "Jewish space lasers."...
BREAKING: CNN has called 666 of Ukraine’s 783 presidential primary delegates for Nikki Haley
KIEV—In a stunning turn of events, CNN has called 666 of Ukraine's 783 presidential primary delegates for former U.S. Ambassador...
‘I will no longer be complicit in genocide’ shouts man who accidentally contributes to the genocide of his own people
In a stunning display of misguided activism, Aaron Bushnell, a self-proclaimed pro-Palestine Air Force member, inadvertently became a casualty of...
BREAKING: McConnell and Schumer unite under MUGA (Make Ukraine Great Again) banner to combat MAGA
In a bizarre twist of political theater, Senate leaders Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer have joined forces under the banner...
AOC: Wrong! We should take out a $34 trillion loan from China to pay off the entire national debt
As a public figure, I've grown accustomed to dealing with all sorts of attention, both positive and negative. However, there's...
Biden takes break from persecuting his political enemies to criticize Putin for persecuting his political enemies
WASHINGTON, DC—In a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black, US President* Joe Biden recently took a brief...
