Chick-fil-A CEO calls on patrons to repent for eating at Chick-fil-A, start eating only Popeyes

Dan Cathy has just purchased a newly designed gun. This gun can only be fired at feet. Well, not anybody’s feet, just his and not both feet, just one.

In just a matter of nanoseconds, Dan Cathy has relinquished at least 30 percent of his customer base. People have been willing to wait on line for eight hours a day to support his conservative ideals. Children have been conceived while on line at Chik-fil-A. Men have grown full beards. Women too. Learned a new language and gone on virtual job interviews.

McDonald’s CEO, Chris Kempczinski, has gone all in with Cathy. As of this morning the company will no longer serve non-People of Color, or ‘Scum’. As Kempczinski said, “I will be stepping down as CEO and replacing myself with Raz Simone, the CEO of CHAZ/CHOP. He may not know much about food but he can burn stuff really fast and for me, that’s enough.”

Dan Cathy admits that racism has been at the heart of everything he has ever done. He uses ‘White Meat’ for his famous chicken sandwich which will change immediately. He will now use ‘Dark Meat’ that has been blessed by The Reverend Al Sharpton.

His famous billboards with cows requesting people “Eat Mor Chikin” have all been removed. They will now be replaced with Billboards that say, “Eat Less Chikin cause you’re too fat anyway and are probably a racist to boot.”

Popeyes CEO, Cheryl A. Bachelder, who ran KFC and now Popeyes claims, “Our Chicken sandwich is not that good. However, when on line at Popeyes, and we run out of Chicken Sandwiches we run cage matches and fighting right in the Drive-Thru. That’s not only entertaining, but works off those extra calories you just put on.”

Popeye’s stock is up 12,000 percent as of this morning.