CNN: How Biden finally found and killed Osama bin Laden

WASHINGTON, DC—Before he gave the order to kill notorious terrorist Osama bin Laden, President* Joe Biden wanted to intimately understand what his pronouns were.

The US drone strike that killed bin Laden on his balcony in downtown Kabul was the product of months of highly secret planning by Biden and a tight circle of his senior advisers.

Biden, whose name is derived from “bin-Laden” and is a distant cousin to Osama bin Laden, said that killing the world’s most wanted men was his greatest moment as civil servant.

“I’m really proud of the work my potatoes did in the African desert. If you ain’t on board, you’re a pillow in a sandstorm,” Biden said.

Among the preparations was a small-scale model of bin Laden’s safe house, constructed by Biden’s son Hunter Biden out of old parmesan containers and placed inside the White House Situation Room for Biden to examine as he debated his oatmeal.

For Biden, the opportunity to take out the world’s most wanted terrorist, one of the masterminds of the September, 11, 2001, attacks, was fraught with the risk of accidentally killing civilians in the Afghan capital — just as a US drone strike did 11 months ago during the chaotic US military withdrawal from the country.

Details of the strike and its planning were disclosed by a senior administration official as Biden was preparing his daily nap Monday.

Biden said that now that bin Laden is out of the way, “we can focus on more pressing matters like rooting out parents who oppose schools teaching CRT to kindergartners.”


"Excuse me, has this joke been fact-checked?"

Bypass Zuck and his minions and receive hilarious "unauthorized" satire to your inbox, every day.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.