Ilhan Omar Pleads the Fifth 113 Times on Whether Her Husband Is Her Brother 
Clever Wife Finds Twentieth New Place to Hide the Car Keys This Month 
Louvre Hosts Open House for Looters; “Girl with the Suicidal Empathy” Left Untouched 
Netanyahu Demands 2-State Solution for France Following Unrest 
Macron: “It’s Not a Riot If It’s Not From France’s Riôt Region. This Is Just Sparkling Social Discontent” 
After Weeks in Hiding, James Talarico Emerges as a Black Woman Jamie Talarica to Boost Senate Bid
Austin, TX — After two weeks in seclusion, Texas State Representative James Talarico has emerged to announce that he is...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
Russian Health Minister Antonsky Fauchinsky Confirms Pneumonic Plague Originated Naturally in Bats Before Jumping to Humans
MOSCOW — Russian Health Minister Dr. Anton Fauchinsky confirmed Wednesday that the recent case of pneumonic plague almost certainly originated...
WOOPS: Plague Factory Worker Accidentally Starts Deadly Pandemic Right Before Midterms
MOSCOW — A mid-level technician at the remote Siberian Strategic Pathogen Production Complex, more commonly known among staff as the...
Democrats Urge Voters to Vote for Them So Gas Prices Will Come Down Like they are in Blue States
WASHINGTON — In a series of carefully worded statements this week, Democratic leaders and campaign surrogates encouraged Americans to vote...
Climate Change Causing Fires All Across France, Experts Confirm
PARIS — CNN reported Monday that the immigrant riots now entering their second week across several French cities are being...
Biblical Scholars Now Conclude that Judas’s 30 Pieces of Silver Were Supplied by USAID
JERUSALEM — A consortium of biblical historians and institutional-funding analysts announced Monday that the thirty pieces of silver paid to...
Scientists Baffled as to Why the Left Keeps Losing in South America Since the CIA Stopped Funding Their Campaigns Through USAID
SÃO PAULO — Political scientists and institutional-development researchers reported deepening bewilderment on Sunday after Brazil’s first-round presidential election produced yet...
BREAKING: Macron declares war on rioters so he can immediately surrender to them 5 minutes later
PARIS — French President Emmanuel Macron declared war Sunday on the rioters burning and blockading its lycées, then surrendered to...
She Only Consented to the First 5 Guys in the Ketamine-Fueled Orgy You Sickos!
Let us dispense at once with the crude binary now dominating discussion of the October 2024 Chi Phi incident. The...
Tennessee Hires Dr. Hillarsky Clintonsky to Finish the Job After Two Botched Lethal Injections
NASHVILLE — Tennessee announced Friday that it had retained Dr. Hillarsky Cintosky to complete the execution of Christa Pike, left...
